2nd Chances

Today, I was accused of being selfish and for being too caught up in my own world's problems, that I don't always reach out and speak to the people with whom I should make time to speak. Though I found that accusation a tad harsh because I don't believe I'm selfish at all, there is some tiny truth to it...

Recently, I began dating again. After years of being "on & off" with someone I thought I'd be "on" with forever, I realized the truth that was in front of me (i.e. we weren't meant to be) and moved on. I then met someone who was not what I would typically gravitate towards aesthetically but I was very much attracted to him and we hit it off immediately (probably because his personality was EXACTLY what I typically gravitated towards)! It was clear that he was as into me as I was with him, when after only a week of dating, he asked that we became exclusive. And then only after a couple of months of dating, he told me he loved me. Things were progressing quickly but I was in it and happy.

I could go on and on about our "love story" but it would be a moot point because this dreamy guy that I met and fell for quite quickly was a liar. A manipulative con artist, in fact. He knew how to turn things around on me, how to avoid fights, how to live a secret life with me all while living an open life with his fiancée...

... And infant child.

I was so hurt. I am so hurt. How could someone lie so flagrantly and without any apology? In my journey to move on once again, someone who -quite honestly blew me off once- said to me, "thank you for being open to second chances" and I froze. How did I become so open to second chances? How is it that I allow some people the opportunity for a do-over? Or am I just forgiving & forgetting?

Part of the problem is that I am a serial repeater. Often times I believe in the good in people and that time can bring maturity, that I believe in the chance that things will be different the second time around. I don't do this with everyone because there are some whose wounds still run too deeply that I couldn't even allow the thought of a repeat, even if I wanted to entertain it (like with Mr. Con-Artist). But then there are some, like my "on & off" guy, that I believed in.

I sincerely pray that I don't lose that endless hope I have because it keeps me sane. It keeps me from becoming jaded and angry and scarred. But I do recognize that I need to turn my repeat setting to OFF.  

I've been so involved in my own reality show drama that I've apparently become neglectful to those that have always been here for me and that TRULY love me, and that's unfair. So I apologized after the accusation was made and can only hope that with my second chance, I'll become a better person.

The eternal optimist,
*M*

Perceptions of beauty

I saw this comic on tallncurly.com about what people say when one straightens one's hair:

It depicted some of the comments a naturally curly/kinky haired girl would have to endure, after blow-drying her hair straight. It was written as a week's worth of "compliments", so this was one of the days featured in the strip. 

This picture really stood out to me because I too recently straightened my hair. I did it for my birthday... To just, have a different look for my pending celebrations of life; to try something new; to give myself a rest; to get my hair trimmed. Whatever my excuse, I enjoyed feeling each hair strand move whenever I moved. I enjoyed wrapping my hair at night, letting it loose in the morning without even having to brush it and it was "perfect." I enjoyed the little things, like being able to simply slide my sunglasses up my face while directly pushing back my hair, without breaking the sunglasses itself (you see, I've learned to take off the sunglasses and force them into my curly mane by shimmying them down into the scalp, forging room for them to sit comfortably, all while hoping I can get them out when I'm ready). I enjoyed last-minute ponytails. I enjoyed these benefits straight hair has... The benefits I've always known, having grown up with relaxed hair. 

What I didn't enjoy were some of the comments. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE compliments. I take each of them as genuine thoughts and appreciate them all, no matter if I've heard "you look nice today" 437 times. I never take them for granted because let's be honest, no one HAS to say anything nice to anyone. It's not a law in life, for being courteous nor for good manners:  It's something extra, that you thought to say, and it came from a good place in your heart. That's love. That's God. It's probably a tad too deep but it's how I feel, so I appreciate each compliment for those reasons. 

But to repetitively hear, "you look nice like that!" can make a girl feel ugly... (But only in her natural state of course; not when it's straight like Kim Kardashian's). To hear, "you should do your hair like that ALL the time," can make a girl fee like 'well damn... It won't always be straight like this, so now what?' Even Beyoncé spends her morning sitting in hair & makeup for 5 hours to sing a song about how she "woke up like dis" (sorry Bey Hive, but it's true). What kind of message are we sending by openly saying to someone, "you're so beautiful with your hair like that"?

There's a fine line here and I recognize that. Some of the comments were sincere compliments because I don't straighten my hair often & therefore it IS a different look entirely and not to be taken as reverse criticism as to what I look like with curly hair. This I know and appreciate. 

What has been interesting to see however, are the lack of compliments now that I'm curly again. It's 

Iike those scenes in old western movies, when there's a deserted town except for that one tumbleweed blowing across the terrain.... That represents the number of compliments I've received! I'm actually laughing but it's true... I can't find one compliment on the horizon! And just so you know, I laugh because I don't take it seriously; I write about it because I'm fascinated by the topic. 

I allowed some of the comments to get in a little and suddenly found myself figuring out how I'm going to straighten my hair more without sustaining the inevitable heat damage. I found myself believing that I was prettier that way and didn't wash my hair for 2 WEEKS in order to keep my hair bone straight i.e. beautiful. I got sucked in, I did. I'm human. I care. But really, we're just discussing perceptions of beauty. Normally, I think I'm beautiful both ways, so why let other perceptions cloud mine? And who knows, maybe people do think I'm ugly when I rock my natural hair and it's their right to have their opinion. Having curly hair (that occasionally gets straightened), somehow makes you subject to other people's hair opinions... Who knew! So, I have to be okay with that because due to my hair choices, people will continually place their "yays" and "nays" on me, warranted or not. Life was never like this when I had relaxed hair....

Tallncurly's comic strip ended with the reminder that the people that love you -that truly love you- will love you no matter what. Now THAT is beautiful. 

What's your perception of beauty?

*M*

P.S. 

See the entire aforementioned strip here: http://tallncurly.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/tallncurly_justoneofthesestraightweeks.jpg

P.P.S

Here I am.... Tall, curly and straight :)

København

Not once did I imagine I'd visit this beautiful city but I'm here! When I arrived on Thursday, I wasn't sure what to expect but I was excited. Before we landed, I passed over a bridge...to nowhere. I was so confused and fascinated! Where is this bridge coming from and where is it going?? The bridge's landing was on an island... But the island was bare. I mean, it was literally a small piece of land and that was IT. Where were the cars going? How were the cars simply disappearing into the ocean/island like that?? So many questions...

I disembarked and noticed how clean and modern the airport looked. I made my way through the baggage claim, out the exit doors and did not see my name on a sign! No one was there to pick me up. Did they forget I was coming a day early? Was the weekend trip cancelled and I didn't get the memo? I had so many questions. 

After searching through all of my email accounts only to not find any correspondences, I found a phone number in an email signature and called for someone to assist me. They informed me that I "should have  been told that no one was picking me up because I came a day earlier than the rest." 

Though quite unhappy, I decided to inquire about other transportation options. I took a cab to the very swanky Imperial Hotel that I was staying at, in the centre of "København" or Copenhagen, as we call it. When I walked into the lobby, two people staring at me suspiciously said, "Monique?" 

"Yes! That's me!" I exclaimed happily. 

They were my tour directors. They were reminded... Ahem, I mean notified, of my arrival. So, they were in the lobby to greet me and assist with getting me checked in. 

"I will need your card to put a $1,000 hold on it for incidentals", the hotel's receptionist requested of me. 

"Umm... I only have my debit card with me and I don't have that kind of money on it!" I shrieked. 

"Well... I'm sorry but I'm going to need something Madame."

I immediately shot a look at my tour directors as if to say, what are you going to do about this?? You didn't even pick me up at the airport due to your lack of communication and now they want $1,000 from me!? Do something people!!

I was not happy. 

One of the tour directors stepped in before the daggers shot from my eyes and placed his card down for me before joking, "don't go crazy with the mini bar."

My time in the city was a fun one. Over the next 24 hours, people began trickling in from different parts of the USA to partake in this Teacher Appreciation Weekend. We went on many walks through town, visited (& ascended) the Round Tower, went on boat tours, bike tours and I finally saw the little Mermaid statue that I've been dyyyyying to see! Spoiler alert:  She's a lot smaller than you might have imagined. 

I made friends and surprisingly the tour directors, guides and the tour itself ended up being a lot more casual than I envisioned! We even went out to experience the nightlife. We had an amazing time! 

Another amazing thing that happened was that I was able to meet up with a family friend. She's a Dane who lived in Jamaica with my family as an exchange student back in the 90s. We've kept in touch thanks to social media but nothing beats one-on-one interaction! We were merely kids when we last saw each other, so to meet again now was truly wonderful. 

Overall, a splendid vacation. I enjoyed it so much! Copenhagen is a beautiful city that I would visit again!

PS-- on one of the tours, I discovered that the bridge I saw from the plane on my way to Copenhagen,  was the bridge & tunnel to Sweden! From Denmark, there is an underwater tunnel that then emerges above the Sound (water where the Baltic & North seas meet). The bridge then continues into Sweden!

OXOX,

M

A stop during the bike tour:

View from the back of our boat:

Kronberg castle:

Dinner with my dear friend:

The Little Mermaid:

Famous street where Hans Christian Anderson lived:

Venezia

Oh Venice... How I love thee. 

This city is so picturesque. It's a great mix of a pedestrian style city and a leisure life by "the water", where people rely on boats instead of cars. Your taxi isn't the usual European choice of Mercedes Benz but instead, a slow-moving speed boat. A bus is a water bus, which runs every 10 minutes throughout the day and night. Every so often, an ambulance boat would speed by and it hits you...this city really does operate entirely by water!

Every corner there's a bridge with an amazing view of the canal! There are long corridors of buildings and very narrow streets. People live above the stores and thousands of tourists below. Their homes have petunias in window boxes above you. The people are friendly and accommodating, probably because they're used to the visitors. The summer is the busiest time of year for tourism which was evident in all of the people I saw and languages I heard! 

Which made me wonder.... How many people ACTUALLY live here though? I saw a university but no primary schools, no movie theatre, no everyday life stuff. I knew that there's a neighboring town on land called Venezia Mestre, so perhaps the citizens lived there? I wasn't sure so I looked it up!

Venezia facts:

1. The population of Venice Italy is 270,660 as of April 2010.

2. Venice has a higher population of women than men; men 47.4%, women 52.6%.

3. There are 2 movie theatres. 

4. Europeans travel a ton in August so I probably didn't see many native Venetians. 

The weather was perfect. We walked around Piazza San Marco, visited churches, bought some murano glass (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murano_glass), chased pigeons, meandered. All throughout our Italian excursion, we've been rushing here & there, making sure that all sites were seen & digested but in Venice, we walked around without a purpose for a change...it was lovely.

If you like the sight of water, seafood and walking, you'll love Venice!

OXOX,

*M*

The train from Florence takes you right onto the main Venice island:

Just a view from one of the city's random bridges:

Taking a photo break with my little cousin-to-be:

Firenze

We left sunny Rome for a rainy Florence on Sunday the 3rd. I now know what it feels like to be completely drenched while being fully clothed. It sucks. Then add the feeling of dragging your luggage down cobblestone streets trying to find your hotel and, well...That just takes the annoyance one might feel to another level. 

For the past 13years, I thought I had seen Michelangelo's "David" standing outside in some piazza among other statues. However, the original David is located inside the Accademia which is not open on Mondays. We were leaving Florence on Tuesday, which meant that Sunday -our rainy arrival day- was all we had to see David. Did I mention it was pouring and we arrived drenched? So, we had to quickly change, find dry clothes out of our luggage & make our way to the Accademia in half an hour. The line was ridiculously long (only because all visits on the 1st Sunday of each month are free), but it moved quickly and let me just say, the original David is MUCH more impressive than it's replica! :)

Florence is a much cooler city than I realized. 13 years ago, I must've come on a holiday because the streets were dead. I spent a day there and did a day trip to Pisa, then was out of there faster than you can say "leaning tower". Now here we are over a decade later and I visited a museum, did some shopping, enjoyed some street entertainment and even went to a club! Much more to do now than during my previous visit. 

My family is having a ball. They've been enjoying the sites and Tuscany's leather goods, among other shopping! Now we are off to Venice!

OXOX,

M

Michelangelo's "David", after defeating Goliath:

Totally forgot that Pinochio is an Italian story... We had lunch here:

"Rape of the Sabine Women". A sculpture of an older man beneath a younger, stronger man who is grabbing a woman forcibly:

The Duomo:

Just because:

Who knew?

It is possible, folks! It is possible to get bitten by a mosquito on your face. Who knew?!

...And who knew that there would be mosquitoes in Rome? As it turns out, Rome is a lot further south than I realized, with their warm climate and palm trees. I'd also like to announce that I was wrong about the "funny looking trees" I mentioned in my last post. Whatever tree it is, the branches have visibly been sawed off to form that shape. How creative and esthetically pleasing!

Today, we visited nearby Tivoli. It was gorgeous! The weather couldn't have been more perfect. There was a ton of walking though.... A TON. The plan was to have a birthday dinner for my mummy (ended up being lunch) and to visit the gardens of Villa d'Este. The restaurant we went to, Sibilla, was a definite must-see. It was picturesque. Simply breathtaking. I could envision the numbers of proposals taking place on it's patio because of how stunning the views were. It sat on the side of a hill overlooking a waterfall. We sat underneath the wisteria covered portion of their patio and admired ruins of an ancient roman temple just adjacent to us. Plaques of names of all the princes, princesses, emperors and past presidents that have dined at Sibilla, hang on white marble slabs on their bright orange walls. I can't say it enough...it was breathtaking. 

I had an amazing lobster linguine, we toasted to my mother's birthday, enjoyed each other's company and soaked in the ambiance. 

The Villa d'Este gardens were beautiful as well! I'd recommend visiting with a significant other, however. Otherwise they're just flowers and fountains. Voilá. 

Overall, another great day in Roma! I'm going to tend to these mosquito bites & hit the sack. 

oxox,

M

Roma

13 years ago, I visited Italy for the first time. I was a junior in college who was living in St. Etienne, France, practicing her French and learning their culture. My dormitory neighbor, Stacey, was an adventurous girl from New Mexico who had an unwavering appetite for exploring (I should say she "is" -not "was"- because to this day, she is off gallivanting in South America, enjoying life). Together we decided to journey to Italy for our spring break. 

The thing is, back then I was the proverbial broke college student! There were no reservations at nice hotels, only pop-up stays at hostels. There were no traditional Italian 2-course dinners, only meals bought in pubs or at food trucks. Whatever we could find was good enough... We were just happy to BE.

I even recall getting to Venice & not knowing we arrived dead smack in the middle of their carnival i.e. Everyone had on masks or costumes i.e. There were masquerade balls & parties i.e. Not one hotel had available rooms! Talk about a sticky situation. 

So, returning to the same 3 cities I sped through in college, not only brings back memories but it makes me appreciate this country all over again. 

I loved Rome then & I love Rome now! It's the perfect blend of modern day and centuries-old history. The streets are still cobblestone (all of them, not just downtown or in the touristy areas). There's a horse & carriage parked next to a BMW not sold in the states. Their culture is a laid back, no fuss type of culture as seen through their fashion and sense of direction (sidebar: I absolutely love that by the way. When asking for directions to the bank, a guy said "5 min walk." Had we known that we needed to add 10, it wouldn't have been a problem!  Same goes for "it's not far, just go straight then turn left", as that "straight" could be 20 min alone and the "turn left" mayn't even exist! It reminds me of Jamaica, lol. It's like they're subliminally saying 'everyone isn't in a rush, so why are you, Ms. Tourist lady?'). Like Paris, everyone walks in Rome. No one is overweight. Traffic can give you a heart attack, so don't pay attention to it😉... But they're attentive to pedestrians and are very respectful, so no worries. 

In order to keep this short, I'll itemize some of the interesting things I've learned so far:

1. Julius Caesar. He got his name because he was born in July (Julius) and his mother had to cut him out of her during birth... Hence the name Caesar, for scissors. Also giving birth to (no pun intended) the name "Caesarian Section" (C-Section)!! 

2. Michelangelo was forced to paint the Sistine chapel... He didn't want to at all. Therefore, he depicted himself within his famous ceiling painting in a few ways like as dead skin or in the inferno. 

3. 13yrs ago, I wondered what was up with all the penises on sculptures or leaves covering the penises. I got my answer today. 

It's the Vatican. 

The pope can't have all these penises running around, duh! There are even sculptures that look asexual intentionally.

(Breasts are allowed though... I mean, they do feed mankind)

4. Construction on the colosseum began in 72. 

Not 1972..... Not 1872.... 

THE YEAR 72!!!!

...Let that marinate for a moment... 

5. They have funny looking trees that I love. They're like pine trees that don't start growing branches until there 60 feet high! They're all over Rome....

Anyway, enjoy my pictures!

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll be back to share about the next city. OXOX

Unanswered thoughts

Today, my father would have been 70.

I often wonder what his life would look like if he hadn't suffered the paralyzing stroke. Or what our relationship would look like if he tried a little harder before the stroke. Or what life in general would look like if he was a better husband & my parents never divorced. Death is a necessary little bastard. It's an unwanted, undesired part of life and therefore, unavoidable. When it happens, you are just left with the remnants of it, remnants that occasionally forces you to think of what could have been...

Occasions like today, his birthday.
Or the anniversary of his death.
Or on Father's Day.
The list goes on and on...

A friend said that my father would be proud of this woman that I have become, which made me wonder what my father thought of me. I would like to think that he was very proud of me. The fact that there were pictures of me throughout my various milestones in life framed in his house, made me feel like he was proud. The fact that he kept a photo album of all of the yearbook pictures, graduation announcements, Bobcats photos that I sent him, boyfriend photos, neatly in an organized fashion as if in a timeline, made me feel like he was probably always there even when distance made us distant. Letters were kept. Memories were kept. Is that proof of pride?

I think what is most painful of the memories of the past 10 years is his lack of a voice. It is very difficult to have a conversation with someone that struggles to speak back. When mid-argument with past boyfriends, I used to get so upset when I would text a question and not hear a response for hours!  Imagine asking questions or simply trying to converse but not knowing that it would take years for a response. Imagine being unaware that you may never get a response.

Maybe that is a tad dramatic. But I would have liked to have not gotten off the phone with my father only to sit in tears because I did not know what he was trying to tell me. I would have preferred to have conversations that his nurse didn't have to interpret for me because the phone lines were so unclear and his voice wasn't strong enough to carry. It would have been lovely to ask my father open-ended questions, instead of the alternative because only "yes" and "no" were easiest for him to say and for me to understand. 7 years he struggled. 7 years he fought.

My unanswered thoughts are not pertinent to my existence. The unknown answers don't define me or change my relationship with him... they are just thoughts. Curious mind wanderings. That's what death does, that necessary little bastard. Such a nincompoop.

Jdiwhciswhd

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? I do. 

Do you believe that you chose the right path & are therefore about to experience only good things? I used to. 

Nowadays, I wonder if the reasons for everything happening are not indeed, good. Instead, I am beginning to believe that everything is happening to me is because I went down the wrong path! Sure, "everything happens for a reason" but has anyone stopped to think about the circumstances? 

There's some nourishment for the noggin'. 

Slight stress

Is it ironic or just a coincidence that when you're told not to stress, that in return you become more stressed out because your focus is now set on what you shouldn't be focused on, and therefore, you stress about it?

You follow?

I can't seem to relax. I love the summer but my God... The shit that travels through one's idle mind can be, well, stressful. It seems like so much has to get done and I'm running out of time. And money. And desire. 

I need to finish my book. Unfortunately, writing it saddens me which then -you guessed it- stresses me out! If only I could breeze through the sad chapters & hop straight to the part where the sun peeks out from behind the storm cloud. Mmm, that would be lovely. 

But such is life. We can't fast forward to the good parts and bypass the bad. That's one of the reasons why I'd choose the blue pill from the below options. What pill would you choose? How do you unclutter your life from stress?

What a difference a date makes

I find myself having the proverbial "day," an expression typically used to insinuate something bad occurring except in my case, nothing bad has actually happened. I'm just in a mood... a "funk", if you will.

Suddenly, I'm crying. "Jesus, is my period coming?" I question myself as I sit Indian-style on my carpeted floor (it isn't, by the way). I wipe away my tears and continue tasking around my house.

I decide to shred some old mail and organize my desk area when I see a picture of my father and I and once again, I am suddenly crying! "What the hell?!" is what I am thinking as this time, the tears don't stop for awhile.

Two of my closest friends coincidentally lost their fathers within 6 days of each other - and recently. Far more recent than I lost mine. And also coincidentally, a text message appears with one of their names across my screen as I finally pulled myself together. I open the text to find a picture of her latest tattoo; it is a beautifully done portrayal of her father's handwriting with the words "I love you" seemingly on her wrist. "Wow," I think to myself. How beautiful that is. And wow- how well do I know the desire for a permanent tribute; I did the same thing after my father died last year. All of these thoughts go through my mind... and then I start to cry again.

Ok. If you -the reader- are someone who knows me very well, you would know that I am not a huge crier. Unlike my mother (& most women that I know), I don't get highly emotional to the point of tears often. So after my 3rd round of waterworks, I began to wonder what the hell was going on and checked the calendar.

After daddy died, I remember talking to my mother and her checking up on me around certain times of the month. She explained that for her, even years after her mother passed, she would find herself feeling sad around the anniversary of my grandmother's death. She wouldn't even realize why until months & months later, when she finally connected the dots. You might think that is weird but over the past year, I have found that I too become this atypical version of myself right around the anniversary of my father's death. Meaning, subconsciously, every month for the past 14 months, I become sad whenever the 22nd approaches. These feelings of sadness (and occasional tears) usually lasts until the next month arrives, which makes sense: Daddy died on the 22nd and was "buried" on the 29th. I'm usually good-to-go by the time the 1st rears its head.

"...but today is the 10th, so what in the world is going on!?" I thought, as I wiped more tears away.

Then I realized... Father's Day is Sunday.

Ah. I did not factor that in. I have become a pro at quickly deleting all "Father's Day Sale" emails that I've received, without truly letting the thought seep in. I honestly did not even remember. And though I had to deal with it last year, for the majority of my life I very angrily rebelled against Father's Day. In fact, I often gave my mother a call or sent a card to thank her for her role as a stand-in. It wasn't until daddy's stroke in 2004 that I began to acknowledge the day to him (and even then it took some years to get in the rhythm of doing).

I hate admitting that. I hate feeling like I wished things were different. I don't have regrets in life...I live my life like that on purpose actually, because I don't like that feeling. But with regards to him, I do wish some things were handled differently. I do wish that our relationship was different. I wish a lot of things. 

I cannot change time, however. I lack that ability obviously & I can't control my eyes from crying either, so all I can do at this point is continue to heal and hopefully help my friends too. In the meantime, I reach for a bottle of wine, clarity & serenity. 

I surely am still learning how to cope with this 1-parent thing... consciously and subconsciously.

*M*

Hers:

Mine:

The wine:

Over it?

In a conversation with one of my best friends, she inquired about a guy that was seemingly trying to become a reoccurring Lead Actor in my rom com. I very flatly gave her an unenthusiastic response to which she asked, "are you over it?"

I paused for 2 brief seconds before I acknowledged that she was right. I was over it! Ya know, if you want the role as Lead Actor in this movie of my life, then accept the challenge and give a hearty audition! Give it your best shot, not a mediocre display of occasionally good performances. I mean, that is unless you'd prefer being in a supporting role... then that we can discuss later {Castings for the role of Supporting Actor will be at a later undisclosed (because it is unknown) date}.

In a similar conversation over "Pomertinis" and sushi with a guy friend of mine, he declared my reason for being stuck in Singleville being due to my lack of training. Not training of my own, but for not training men. Apparently, I need to tell a man what to do. "WHAAAT?!" I exclaimed in the restaurant. "You have GOT to be kidding me."Surely the verdict for breaking free from a life sentence of being single, cannot be the secret 11th commandment: "Thou shalt tell your man what to do at all times." I am over hand-holding and training adults. When does it become easier?

Occasionally, I go through old Facebook posts and read the comments people made on my wall. I don't think this is narcissistic, I just enjoy taking trips through my past like revisiting scrapbooks or reading old diaries. In a Facebook post two years ago, I played an awesome April Fool's joke by posting a picture of my left hand with a beautiful (& borrowed) engagement ring on the appropriate finger. I called my mother, gave her a head's up & asked her to comment, for fear that everyone will not believe the news otherwise. Once she did, an influx of comments from both men and women about my "news" came in and I began to laugh hysterically. What a good prank! But what then drew my attention were the comments from guys like "Who's the lucky guy?". Some guys were happy but a lot were in disbelief, as if they missed their chance! No honey, you didn't 'miss your chance', you just didn't step up to the plate when it came time for your audition. OR- you never even auditioned to begin with, so what difference does it make?! 

I don't think I'll ever understand the mind of a man. They claim to be simple creatures but truthfully, I find that they are complicated.
If you want it, get it.
If you get it, keep it.
If you don't want it, don't fish for it.
If you lost it & want it back, fight for it back.
If you want to audition for the role of Lead Actor, research the requirements & do it.
And please...If you can't commit, don't. And please don't act like you're offended when she commits to someone else.

I guess I am over it.

Cabin Fever

One would think that having a break from it all would welcome mental clarity and relaxation. Instead, I find myself battling with writer's block & cabin fever! I played with my shoes last night... Yup. My shoes. Here they are surfing the web, reading and even cooking.

I hope I can break through this writer's block soon.

Many moons ago...

Many moons ago, I was writing about a diet I was trying as well as coping with the death of my father. Now here it is, March 14, 2013 and I am still dealing with his passing and still thinking of losing more weight! Has any time passed at all?

Well, obviously.
I have not gained much since my last post...in fact, I haven't gained more than 2-3lbs. So that remaining 12 lbs I mentioned in my prior post has yet to be lost. Must get on that.

Dealing with death I've realized, does not have an expiration date. No one says, "Well Monique, Denzil died at 7:11am 3/22/12, therefore at exactly 7:11am six months later, you will have dealt with it all!" But wouldn't that be lovely? Here it is I am approaching the anniversary, and yet it still feels like it just happened.

I know time has passed because I had a birthday. There was Christmas and even a New Year's party that I attended. What would have been his 69th birthday came....but yet, I still feel stagnant. Paralyzed even, (for lack of a better word, and no pun intended). While speaking to a guy friend recently, I busted out into tears.While arguing with a girlfriend of mine, I totally yelled at her about me dealing with my father, as if (a.) that was the topic of our discussion, and (b.) as if she was at fault! These are only signs that my emotions are still lying dormant - for now. No real progress, no real decline, just stagnant.

My sister and I were talking the other day and I realized that I am feeling like she's feeling. For months now, I've been feeling very impatient with people, very annoyed with their "problems", very laissez-faire, very indifferent, very intolerant......it's very unlike me. I am constantly having moments where I stand outside myself and wonder, "what is happening to you?" Last weekend, I got a speeding ticket and normally, I'd bitch to my mother or SOMEBODY about it but instead, I honestly forgot it even happened until a few hours later. Then a few days later when I was doing laundry and came across the folded traffic violation, I realized that I had forgotten AGAIN. Very unlike me (Note to self: Must remember, so that I can pay the ticket!).

Everyone deals with death differently. I've clearly remained stagnant as far as with regards to time, my career -hell- even my weight. I am however pleased with the direction my life is going. Though not able to jump over some career hurdles (see, stagnant!) I am finally doing what I love and am seeing possible career moves later this year. I must hold on to that.

And hopefully, I'll find better ways of coping in the meantime.

Fundraising for my Father (Elevate Lifestyle Magazine, July 2012 Issue)

Three years ago, I wrote about my experience as a novice runner, training for and competing in the ING Miami Half Marathon. On March 22nd of this year, I received the news that my father’s battle from a stroke he suffered in 2004 had come to an end. Seeing as I had already planned on running the ING Miami again, coupled with the fact that my father is now gone, I am planning on linking the two by fundraising for a charity in his honor in conjunction with this race.


To continue reading:
http://www.elevatelifestyle.com/magazine/v/fundraising-for-my-father/

End of the HCG Diet

It's over! The 45-day diet is a wrap and I am rejoicing but not due to the increasing caloric intake, but because I no longer have to keep track of taking my drops three times a day. Throughout this diet, I kept a small "travel size" bottle in my daytime purse (whichever one that was) and kept a larger bottle at home among my vitamins. I set 6 alarms in my phone that would sound at certain times on weekdays versus weekends, only to remind me when to stop eating/drinking and when to take my dosage of drops. Needless to say, I am enjoying not being glued to my phone anymore.

Overall, I lost 12 pounds on the diet...but was disappointed. I wanted to lose so much more than that so I beat myself up about it! "If only I hadn't eaten this..." or "If I hadn't drank that...". But now, I am at peace! I noticed last night that I don't eat such large portions anymore and am feeling content quicker. Also, I must say that it feels good to be wearing pants that I haven't been able to wear all year! I still plan to lose another 12lbs but with exercise and diet control...you know, the old-fashioned way. So even though I am not at my target weight goal today, I remain very pleased with the HCG Diet Package and would recommend it to anyone.

For information on the HCG Diet visit http://www.hcgdietpackage.com/ .

Day 36 -- HCG Diet

This past week's weight was certainly all over the scale! I would gain ounces, lose a pound, gain three pounds, lose two ounces, it just kept fluctuating. With only a week left, I won't be waltzing through the finish line, oh no; I am going to run as fast as I can and with all of my might! I am going to fight and push through until the finish!

And the determination has already begun. Though exercising is not recommended, I have been getting back into the habit of taking Zumba classes, using the Elliptical machine, lifting weights and walking more. Perhaps some of my exercises are creating muscle? Who knows. What I do know is that I hope to lose another 8 pounds by Thursday morning. A hefty goal yes, but I am behind the curve. A little self-pushing can't hurt, right?

• Total weight lost = 11.6 lbs
• 4.2 lbs lost last week
• Difference of measurements of my chest, arm, waist & thigh from last week:
• Chest: Remained the same
• Arms: -0.4
• Waist: -0.4
• Thigh: -0.7
• Abiding by daily doses of HCG drops = Yes
• Cups of water consumed daily = 4-5, 24oz cups at work daily, more at home
• Any aches or pains = No
• Any cheating? Occasional cheating occurs. It gets harder NOT to cheat during certain times of the month [hint, hint]. ARG!!

3 Months

The first trimester of anything I can think of, tends to be a critical time. The first 3 months in a new job is an important time for punctuality, displaying an ability to learn or adapt, wearing your best suits and exhibiting your diligence as a hard worker. The first 3 months of a pregnancy is often a time for miscarriages so one must be cautious and focused on being of good health. The first 3 months of a relationship (and often extended to 6 months or a year) is when you get to know someone and learn their habits, their likes, their desires and goals in life. The first 3 months is a time for monitoring. It is a time for change or growth.

Tomorrow marks exactly 3 months since Daddy died. Father’s Day was Sunday. As my sister put it in a beautiful card she mailed, it was our “First Father-less Day”. It’s the first of many, really. When speaking with an ex whom had also lost his father (many years ago), I asked him “when does it get better? When is it bearable?” He answered honestly, “it depends. Everyone is different…for me, I would say it was 2-3 years.” I know he is right. There will be a day when Father’s Day Sale emails from Nordstrom won’t bother me. Perhaps I won’t even notice.

These first 3 months for me have been turbulent, for lack of a better word. I had moments where I felt unsettled, moments when I would erupt with tears while on a highway for no apparent reason, moments when I don’t think about it at all. I am beginning to ask myself some questions and am hoping for comfort in the near future. My daddy’s nurse sent me a text the other day, saying that she misses him every day. I don’t miss my father every day. I think about him every day, yes. I reflect on past memories just about all the time, yes. Some days, I’ll just stare at his pictures in my house and wish I could have another “difficult conversation” with him, as I used to complain about having to myself in the past. I think about revisiting my true home of Jamaica and not going to my grandparents’ house, where he lived. I have friends that are getting married and with all of their planning, I can’t help but think that he will never know me as Mrs. Anybody, and I am saddened. All of this makes me sad just about every day but I don’t truly “miss” him because I know he is no longer suffering. His 7 years of suffering is over and I am happy for that. That certainly beats my 3 months of turbulence.

Day 29--HCG Diet

I am still very proud of my progress but I would be lying if I said I wasn't slightly disappointed. I was hoping to have been halfway to my goal by this date. A vicious goal? Perhaps. But the purpose of this diet is to lose a pound a day, minus the first two stuff-your-face days that they recommend. I figured with a few "cheat" moments, I still would have at least lost 20 by now.

What I am learning however, is that weight is being lost and probably at a healthier pace. I have also noticed that on the days that I don't drink as much water as I should, I don't lose nearly as much weight as I should (thanks for the reminder, Michelle!). I am reminding myself that these are all lessons I am learning along the way and my goal is still attainable. 16 days left!!

• Total weight lost = 9.2 lbs
• 2.4 lbs were lost last week
• Difference of measurements of my chest, arm, waist & thigh from last week:
• Chest: Remained the same
• Arms: -0.7
• Waist: -0.7
• Thigh:  -1.0 
• Abiding by daily doses of HCG drops = check, though it's still harder to remember the 3rd dosage due to nightly social activities
• Cups of water consumed today = half of one (it's still early though!)
• Any aches or pains? They're becoming few, actually. I don't feel hunger pains as much anymore
• Any cheating? Occasionally but not nearly as much...then there's the "accidental cheat" (that had corn in it?!)

Day 22 -- HCG Diet

Week 3 was tough.

I constantly had cravings for the enemy (chocolate) and still felt slightly hungry after eating meals, so I found myself cheating. I even broke down a couple of times by spoon-feeding myself dumb logic that "if they're chocolate covered raisins, they can't be that bad for you. I mean, they're raisins!"
Yes, I stooped that low.

But, I am occasionally very self-aware so I know that my desire for my comfort-food-go-to has augmented probably due to the impending arrival of Father's Day on Sunday. Thankfully, I have been losing inches even though I have disobediently maintained my weight for the past 2 days (as seen below). As I begin my 4th week, I will work harder on ignoring the urges to "cheat just a little" each day and remember my goal. I have done really well thus far, so why turn back now?

• Total weight lost = 7.6 lbs
• Take measurements of my chest, arm, waist & thigh = check
• Chest: -0.5
• Arms: -0.3
• Waist: +0.2
• Thigh: -0.4 
• Abiding by daily doses of HCG drops = check, though it's getting harder to remember the 3rd dosage due to nightly social activities
• Cups of water consumed today = 0 (currently having my morning tea)
• Any aches or pains? Hunger pains & headaches but only when hungry
• Any cheating? YES. I was bad this week.