3 Months

The first trimester of anything I can think of, tends to be a critical time. The first 3 months in a new job is an important time for punctuality, displaying an ability to learn or adapt, wearing your best suits and exhibiting your diligence as a hard worker. The first 3 months of a pregnancy is often a time for miscarriages so one must be cautious and focused on being of good health. The first 3 months of a relationship (and often extended to 6 months or a year) is when you get to know someone and learn their habits, their likes, their desires and goals in life. The first 3 months is a time for monitoring. It is a time for change or growth.

Tomorrow marks exactly 3 months since Daddy died. Father’s Day was Sunday. As my sister put it in a beautiful card she mailed, it was our “First Father-less Day”. It’s the first of many, really. When speaking with an ex whom had also lost his father (many years ago), I asked him “when does it get better? When is it bearable?” He answered honestly, “it depends. Everyone is different…for me, I would say it was 2-3 years.” I know he is right. There will be a day when Father’s Day Sale emails from Nordstrom won’t bother me. Perhaps I won’t even notice.

These first 3 months for me have been turbulent, for lack of a better word. I had moments where I felt unsettled, moments when I would erupt with tears while on a highway for no apparent reason, moments when I don’t think about it at all. I am beginning to ask myself some questions and am hoping for comfort in the near future. My daddy’s nurse sent me a text the other day, saying that she misses him every day. I don’t miss my father every day. I think about him every day, yes. I reflect on past memories just about all the time, yes. Some days, I’ll just stare at his pictures in my house and wish I could have another “difficult conversation” with him, as I used to complain about having to myself in the past. I think about revisiting my true home of Jamaica and not going to my grandparents’ house, where he lived. I have friends that are getting married and with all of their planning, I can’t help but think that he will never know me as Mrs. Anybody, and I am saddened. All of this makes me sad just about every day but I don’t truly “miss” him because I know he is no longer suffering. His 7 years of suffering is over and I am happy for that. That certainly beats my 3 months of turbulence.