Today, I was accused of being selfish and for being too caught up in my own world's problems, that I don't always reach out and speak to the people with whom I should make time to speak. Though I found that accusation a tad harsh because I don't believe I'm selfish at all, there is some tiny truth to it...
Recently, I began dating again. After years of being "on & off" with someone I thought I'd be "on" with forever, I realized the truth that was in front of me (i.e. we weren't meant to be) and moved on. I then met someone who was not what I would typically gravitate towards aesthetically but I was very much attracted to him and we hit it off immediately (probably because his personality was EXACTLY what I typically gravitated towards)! It was clear that he was as into me as I was with him, when after only a week of dating, he asked that we became exclusive. And then only after a couple of months of dating, he told me he loved me. Things were progressing quickly but I was in it and happy.
I could go on and on about our "love story" but it would be a moot point because this dreamy guy that I met and fell for quite quickly was a liar. A manipulative con artist, in fact. He knew how to turn things around on me, how to avoid fights, how to live a secret life with me all while living an open life with his fiancée...
... And infant child.
I was so hurt. I am so hurt. How could someone lie so flagrantly and without any apology? In my journey to move on once again, someone who -quite honestly blew me off once- said to me, "thank you for being open to second chances" and I froze. How did I become so open to second chances? How is it that I allow some people the opportunity for a do-over? Or am I just forgiving & forgetting?
Part of the problem is that I am a serial repeater. Often times I believe in the good in people and that time can bring maturity, that I believe in the chance that things will be different the second time around. I don't do this with everyone because there are some whose wounds still run too deeply that I couldn't even allow the thought of a repeat, even if I wanted to entertain it (like with Mr. Con-Artist). But then there are some, like my "on & off" guy, that I believed in.
I sincerely pray that I don't lose that endless hope I have because it keeps me sane. It keeps me from becoming jaded and angry and scarred. But I do recognize that I need to turn my repeat setting to OFF.
I've been so involved in my own reality show drama that I've apparently become neglectful to those that have always been here for me and that TRULY love me, and that's unfair. So I apologized after the accusation was made and can only hope that with my second chance, I'll become a better person.
The eternal optimist,
*M*
