Jdiwhciswhd

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? I do. 

Do you believe that you chose the right path & are therefore about to experience only good things? I used to. 

Nowadays, I wonder if the reasons for everything happening are not indeed, good. Instead, I am beginning to believe that everything is happening to me is because I went down the wrong path! Sure, "everything happens for a reason" but has anyone stopped to think about the circumstances? 

There's some nourishment for the noggin'. 

Slight stress

Is it ironic or just a coincidence that when you're told not to stress, that in return you become more stressed out because your focus is now set on what you shouldn't be focused on, and therefore, you stress about it?

You follow?

I can't seem to relax. I love the summer but my God... The shit that travels through one's idle mind can be, well, stressful. It seems like so much has to get done and I'm running out of time. And money. And desire. 

I need to finish my book. Unfortunately, writing it saddens me which then -you guessed it- stresses me out! If only I could breeze through the sad chapters & hop straight to the part where the sun peeks out from behind the storm cloud. Mmm, that would be lovely. 

But such is life. We can't fast forward to the good parts and bypass the bad. That's one of the reasons why I'd choose the blue pill from the below options. What pill would you choose? How do you unclutter your life from stress?

What a difference a date makes

I find myself having the proverbial "day," an expression typically used to insinuate something bad occurring except in my case, nothing bad has actually happened. I'm just in a mood... a "funk", if you will.

Suddenly, I'm crying. "Jesus, is my period coming?" I question myself as I sit Indian-style on my carpeted floor (it isn't, by the way). I wipe away my tears and continue tasking around my house.

I decide to shred some old mail and organize my desk area when I see a picture of my father and I and once again, I am suddenly crying! "What the hell?!" is what I am thinking as this time, the tears don't stop for awhile.

Two of my closest friends coincidentally lost their fathers within 6 days of each other - and recently. Far more recent than I lost mine. And also coincidentally, a text message appears with one of their names across my screen as I finally pulled myself together. I open the text to find a picture of her latest tattoo; it is a beautifully done portrayal of her father's handwriting with the words "I love you" seemingly on her wrist. "Wow," I think to myself. How beautiful that is. And wow- how well do I know the desire for a permanent tribute; I did the same thing after my father died last year. All of these thoughts go through my mind... and then I start to cry again.

Ok. If you -the reader- are someone who knows me very well, you would know that I am not a huge crier. Unlike my mother (& most women that I know), I don't get highly emotional to the point of tears often. So after my 3rd round of waterworks, I began to wonder what the hell was going on and checked the calendar.

After daddy died, I remember talking to my mother and her checking up on me around certain times of the month. She explained that for her, even years after her mother passed, she would find herself feeling sad around the anniversary of my grandmother's death. She wouldn't even realize why until months & months later, when she finally connected the dots. You might think that is weird but over the past year, I have found that I too become this atypical version of myself right around the anniversary of my father's death. Meaning, subconsciously, every month for the past 14 months, I become sad whenever the 22nd approaches. These feelings of sadness (and occasional tears) usually lasts until the next month arrives, which makes sense: Daddy died on the 22nd and was "buried" on the 29th. I'm usually good-to-go by the time the 1st rears its head.

"...but today is the 10th, so what in the world is going on!?" I thought, as I wiped more tears away.

Then I realized... Father's Day is Sunday.

Ah. I did not factor that in. I have become a pro at quickly deleting all "Father's Day Sale" emails that I've received, without truly letting the thought seep in. I honestly did not even remember. And though I had to deal with it last year, for the majority of my life I very angrily rebelled against Father's Day. In fact, I often gave my mother a call or sent a card to thank her for her role as a stand-in. It wasn't until daddy's stroke in 2004 that I began to acknowledge the day to him (and even then it took some years to get in the rhythm of doing).

I hate admitting that. I hate feeling like I wished things were different. I don't have regrets in life...I live my life like that on purpose actually, because I don't like that feeling. But with regards to him, I do wish some things were handled differently. I do wish that our relationship was different. I wish a lot of things. 

I cannot change time, however. I lack that ability obviously & I can't control my eyes from crying either, so all I can do at this point is continue to heal and hopefully help my friends too. In the meantime, I reach for a bottle of wine, clarity & serenity. 

I surely am still learning how to cope with this 1-parent thing... consciously and subconsciously.

*M*

Hers:

Mine:

The wine:

Over it?

In a conversation with one of my best friends, she inquired about a guy that was seemingly trying to become a reoccurring Lead Actor in my rom com. I very flatly gave her an unenthusiastic response to which she asked, "are you over it?"

I paused for 2 brief seconds before I acknowledged that she was right. I was over it! Ya know, if you want the role as Lead Actor in this movie of my life, then accept the challenge and give a hearty audition! Give it your best shot, not a mediocre display of occasionally good performances. I mean, that is unless you'd prefer being in a supporting role... then that we can discuss later {Castings for the role of Supporting Actor will be at a later undisclosed (because it is unknown) date}.

In a similar conversation over "Pomertinis" and sushi with a guy friend of mine, he declared my reason for being stuck in Singleville being due to my lack of training. Not training of my own, but for not training men. Apparently, I need to tell a man what to do. "WHAAAT?!" I exclaimed in the restaurant. "You have GOT to be kidding me."Surely the verdict for breaking free from a life sentence of being single, cannot be the secret 11th commandment: "Thou shalt tell your man what to do at all times." I am over hand-holding and training adults. When does it become easier?

Occasionally, I go through old Facebook posts and read the comments people made on my wall. I don't think this is narcissistic, I just enjoy taking trips through my past like revisiting scrapbooks or reading old diaries. In a Facebook post two years ago, I played an awesome April Fool's joke by posting a picture of my left hand with a beautiful (& borrowed) engagement ring on the appropriate finger. I called my mother, gave her a head's up & asked her to comment, for fear that everyone will not believe the news otherwise. Once she did, an influx of comments from both men and women about my "news" came in and I began to laugh hysterically. What a good prank! But what then drew my attention were the comments from guys like "Who's the lucky guy?". Some guys were happy but a lot were in disbelief, as if they missed their chance! No honey, you didn't 'miss your chance', you just didn't step up to the plate when it came time for your audition. OR- you never even auditioned to begin with, so what difference does it make?! 

I don't think I'll ever understand the mind of a man. They claim to be simple creatures but truthfully, I find that they are complicated.
If you want it, get it.
If you get it, keep it.
If you don't want it, don't fish for it.
If you lost it & want it back, fight for it back.
If you want to audition for the role of Lead Actor, research the requirements & do it.
And please...If you can't commit, don't. And please don't act like you're offended when she commits to someone else.

I guess I am over it.

Cabin Fever

One would think that having a break from it all would welcome mental clarity and relaxation. Instead, I find myself battling with writer's block & cabin fever! I played with my shoes last night... Yup. My shoes. Here they are surfing the web, reading and even cooking.

I hope I can break through this writer's block soon.

Many moons ago...

Many moons ago, I was writing about a diet I was trying as well as coping with the death of my father. Now here it is, March 14, 2013 and I am still dealing with his passing and still thinking of losing more weight! Has any time passed at all?

Well, obviously.
I have not gained much since my last post...in fact, I haven't gained more than 2-3lbs. So that remaining 12 lbs I mentioned in my prior post has yet to be lost. Must get on that.

Dealing with death I've realized, does not have an expiration date. No one says, "Well Monique, Denzil died at 7:11am 3/22/12, therefore at exactly 7:11am six months later, you will have dealt with it all!" But wouldn't that be lovely? Here it is I am approaching the anniversary, and yet it still feels like it just happened.

I know time has passed because I had a birthday. There was Christmas and even a New Year's party that I attended. What would have been his 69th birthday came....but yet, I still feel stagnant. Paralyzed even, (for lack of a better word, and no pun intended). While speaking to a guy friend recently, I busted out into tears.While arguing with a girlfriend of mine, I totally yelled at her about me dealing with my father, as if (a.) that was the topic of our discussion, and (b.) as if she was at fault! These are only signs that my emotions are still lying dormant - for now. No real progress, no real decline, just stagnant.

My sister and I were talking the other day and I realized that I am feeling like she's feeling. For months now, I've been feeling very impatient with people, very annoyed with their "problems", very laissez-faire, very indifferent, very intolerant......it's very unlike me. I am constantly having moments where I stand outside myself and wonder, "what is happening to you?" Last weekend, I got a speeding ticket and normally, I'd bitch to my mother or SOMEBODY about it but instead, I honestly forgot it even happened until a few hours later. Then a few days later when I was doing laundry and came across the folded traffic violation, I realized that I had forgotten AGAIN. Very unlike me (Note to self: Must remember, so that I can pay the ticket!).

Everyone deals with death differently. I've clearly remained stagnant as far as with regards to time, my career -hell- even my weight. I am however pleased with the direction my life is going. Though not able to jump over some career hurdles (see, stagnant!) I am finally doing what I love and am seeing possible career moves later this year. I must hold on to that.

And hopefully, I'll find better ways of coping in the meantime.