At 7:11am on Thursday, March 22, 2012, I got a call from my father's caretaker saying that my father passed away.
I've been trying to decide whether or not I wanted to write about my feelings publicly or not. I think that some of what I'm feeling will be kept private but there are some things that I don't mind sharing on my blog. Like the fact that I am doing horribly at sharing at all. This is because I have managed to avoid dealing with the circumstance altogether. You can call me Queen Monique of Avoidance! Now here it is, a month after my father's passing and I have come to this realization. Last week, my sister asked me if I've dealt with everything that has happened and while my initial reaction was to snap back, "of course! I'm faced with it everyday," I realized that giving that response would not be completely true.
Instead, I gave her words some thought. I noticed that I couldn't recall the last time I spoke about it. I remembered the last time I cried but I cried because of a card I received in the mail, then I promptly wiped away my tears and reclosed the emotional door to my heart.
In my defense, I have been quite distracted. This could either be a good or bad thing. I have had assignments to focus on, my job to focus on, and a chain of ailments that have garnered my attention. I fear though, that once the distractions dissipate, I will be left with the residue of his death and a volcanic emotional erruption will occur. That can't be good.
"What do you do to relieve stress and get through hard times?" I was asked by a friend of mine. I paused. I then hesitated before responding honestly, "I don't know. I've never had to deal with something of this magnitude. I guess I should write." He then asked, "why not dance?"
"Dancing is fun but it's not a true release for me, it's more like another distraction. Like therapeutic shopping," I said.
"So then write" he said calmly and ever so clearly, as if it were obvious. It resonated in my head for the next five seconds before I knodded in agreement.
The next afternoon I got a text message that read, "Don't 4get to write."
So I'm here, writing. I'm also writing in my journal but I tend to do that at night, which isn't always beneficial when I'm going through my day, carrying my thoughts and gaining more thoughts. I've coined this post "A Moment in Monique's Mind" and will name future posts this as well, as it will be a moment to take a personal break into the thoughts that haunt my brain.
Right now, I am going to figure out how to deal with all of this because doing the proverbial sweep under the rug accomplishes nothing. "Unfortunately Monique, you're just like your father that way. That's exactly how he dealt with things. You two are so much alike", said my mother.
Well then...I have some work to do.
