Many moons ago...

Many moons ago, I was writing about a diet I was trying as well as coping with the death of my father. Now here it is, March 14, 2013 and I am still dealing with his passing and still thinking of losing more weight! Has any time passed at all?

Well, obviously.
I have not gained much since my last post...in fact, I haven't gained more than 2-3lbs. So that remaining 12 lbs I mentioned in my prior post has yet to be lost. Must get on that.

Dealing with death I've realized, does not have an expiration date. No one says, "Well Monique, Denzil died at 7:11am 3/22/12, therefore at exactly 7:11am six months later, you will have dealt with it all!" But wouldn't that be lovely? Here it is I am approaching the anniversary, and yet it still feels like it just happened.

I know time has passed because I had a birthday. There was Christmas and even a New Year's party that I attended. What would have been his 69th birthday came....but yet, I still feel stagnant. Paralyzed even, (for lack of a better word, and no pun intended). While speaking to a guy friend recently, I busted out into tears.While arguing with a girlfriend of mine, I totally yelled at her about me dealing with my father, as if (a.) that was the topic of our discussion, and (b.) as if she was at fault! These are only signs that my emotions are still lying dormant - for now. No real progress, no real decline, just stagnant.

My sister and I were talking the other day and I realized that I am feeling like she's feeling. For months now, I've been feeling very impatient with people, very annoyed with their "problems", very laissez-faire, very indifferent, very intolerant......it's very unlike me. I am constantly having moments where I stand outside myself and wonder, "what is happening to you?" Last weekend, I got a speeding ticket and normally, I'd bitch to my mother or SOMEBODY about it but instead, I honestly forgot it even happened until a few hours later. Then a few days later when I was doing laundry and came across the folded traffic violation, I realized that I had forgotten AGAIN. Very unlike me (Note to self: Must remember, so that I can pay the ticket!).

Everyone deals with death differently. I've clearly remained stagnant as far as with regards to time, my career -hell- even my weight. I am however pleased with the direction my life is going. Though not able to jump over some career hurdles (see, stagnant!) I am finally doing what I love and am seeing possible career moves later this year. I must hold on to that.

And hopefully, I'll find better ways of coping in the meantime.